Like many Americans, I suffer from a chronic sleeping problem. And not on account of any shortage of comfortable snoozing quarters or underlying medical condition. No. What I suffer from is the inescapable work-life vicious cycle of the modern American lifestyle. I work fifty-four hours in a week, and some of these are spread out in night-time shifts. These, if you didn’t already know this, wreak great havoc on your body’s circadian rhythm. When this happens, you end up feeling like you’re in a constant state of jetlag. You can’t get to sleep on time to revitalize your aching nerves. For people like me who go through this on a daily basis, staring blankly at the revolving ceiling fan soon morphs into an everyday ritual. Except that the ‘shut-eye’ that is eagerly hoped for still doesn’t come, and you look forward to sleeping through the entire weekend to make up for the weekly deficit. It was primarily to escape this unending mind-body loop that I decided to order some technological sleep aides through my Frontier FiOS plan recently.

So this account, as such, is my honest attempt to review their efficacy. As human beings, we need to help each other along life’s path; because it’s not destined to get easier anytime sooner. And a big way in which this can be done is by offering some good and well-reasoned advice based upon personal experience.

Dealing with Sleeping Gadgets 1, 2 and 3…

The Sheep Clock

One of the first sleeping gadgets that I purchased from a local online retailer was a bedside alarm-clock type of device that literally mimicked the ‘baa baa’ sound that sheep vocalize. The idea behind this contraption, funnily (my wife says ‘cutely’) enough, is that instead of having the subject count the said animals, it makes them hear their noises to sleep.

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The manufacturers of the device frequently like to cite two research studies which elaborated upon the evolutionary link between sheep noises and the body’s inclination towards increased melatonin secretion.

Just the other day, I came to know of a newer series of hardware upgrades added to the sheep clock. Now, in addition to playing its standard sound file of grazing sheep noises, the clock also features a fun series of background ‘white noise’ audio files.

Personally, I didn’t find the sheep clock to be a very effective tool for lulling me to sleep. So I wouldn’t recommend your hard-earned dollars against it.

The Ambient Glow Torch

Available for a paltry $15 at Walmart, the ambient glow torch emits a ‘ghostly’ silvery, white hue in your living room. This lighting effect, according to the device manufacturer, has been ‘neutered’ to prevent increases in the body’s mean cortisol levels – thereby inducing relaxation. The torch can be used to provide just enough illumination for room navigation purposes as well – which I think is pretty swell!

My wife likes to use the glow torch for hanging some of her kitchen pots and pans, which goes to show just how useful I found it in the sleep department. Frankly speaking, I found it to be even less useful than the sheep clock for stimulating my snoozing efforts. But perhaps that’s just me, because I’ve heard several people in my town locality actually swear by its efficacy. So I wouldn’t vote completely against it.

The Colorless Marijuana Nail Film

Before you start to think that this product is only for women, let me just point to the fact that it’s colorless. And since it contains marijuana, I think regular cannabis users will easily be able to guess at its sleeping prowess. Interestingly, the brand that is currently selling this item is literally at pains to tell the public that it is completely ‘non-addictive’. Now I’m no chemistry whiz, but I know enough science to know that there are many reasons to doubt such a claim. Because if this were so, all the hash addicts that I happen to see every day in my seven-story office building would have forsaken their habit by now.

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Being the strict health-enthusiast that I am, I didn’t even risk clicking on the order button for the product on my mobile app. But from some of the raving ‘verified customer’ reviews listed there, I could clearly see that this nail film had indeed managed to wean some people off of their damaging insomnia. And since I’m not one to easily dispel other people’s opinions, I’ll probably side with these commentators’ verdict. I even scribbled a little assent-note of my own in this space; given that I had received a few extra gigabytes on my Frontier Service internet connection. And I was feeling generous! My only (very sincere) advice to those people keen on trying this product would be to first get it screened through an FDA-approved lab. Because otherwise, and this is my great worry, they may end up becoming victim to an addiction problem all of their own making.


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